The importance of friendship before sex

This topic has been resurfacing a lot, recently, in conversations I have been having with friends. Before writing this post, I’d literally just ended a phone call, with a close friend, where the topic had again arisen. I have so much to say and express on the matter I felt that it would be a perfect topic to finally end my writers block. I feel that this topic holds more of an importance to females as I feel that they suffer to grasp the concept whereas men don’t live by it as they don’t want to accept it, they want to avoid being friends with a female at all costs (yes, I am aware that this is a generalization and I apologise to those of you who are reading now and feel that you are not part of that group, I know you exist but you have to understand that I do see you all as the minority).

From what I have observed, guys tend to lose respect for females who they are able to bed easily. It’s not that hard to grasp, if you told me that I needed to complete work in order to earn my money, rather than it just being handed to me, I would 1.) WORK, and 2.) Appreciate the money I have earned as I immediately know the value of it, value being the comparison or work to money ratio, e.g., 1 hour/£10. I’d understand that in order to make another £10 I’d have to do another hour on the clocks. I feel that this ideology can be applied to sex. If a guy doesn’t have to work for it, how does he then weigh up the value? How does he determine whether you are girlfriend material or just a general 24/7 convenience store? A guy confused is just as bad as him thinking a female is not girlfriend material, as at that point in time he will have no intentions of committing.

So now I’ve stressed the importance of having sex prematurely I want to explain the role which friendship plays. Friendship can only be formed after the process of finding out what someone is about, what they want in life or even what they want from you. When getting to know someone we look out for tell tale signs which show that they are compatible enough to view this person as a potential friend, why is it so hard to use the same process to view whether someone is a potential mate? We all have standards and morals which we try to uphold (well some of us do anyways), so when we find someone who somewhat understands and/or also upholds them too, we feel a compatibility. An extreme example, which I’ll use to put it into perspective, would be meeting someone who is pro murder when you are against; automatically you may feel as though it is something you feel so strongly about that you don’t want to involve yourself with that person. What I am trying to say is that the friendship process is the best way to find out whether you and the person, in question, are on the same wavelength. Having sex before this stage can cause confusion; you could find yourself catching feelings for a stranger.

I am not naïve, if a guy is pursuing a female, whether for sex or relationship, he will do everything in his power to portray himself as a good guy or fitting the profile of what the girl desires from a guy. Some girls could argue that for this reason alone, the friendship before sex method is not reliable as the guy will use the opportunity to paint himself as “the perfect guy”. I agree to an extent, they will not tell you everything but when placed in a comfortable environment you’ll be surprised in the willingness, of a person, to be honest, even if they skim over some parts. Friends should not feel afraid of being judged or afraid of being themselves around one another, this is where you want the relationship to head. Furthermore you should know the person well enough to read when they are holding back or lying, get to a point where you can pull them up, laugh it off, ask the question again and get a more truthful answer.

You need to be able to set boundaries and you can’t do that while your legs are open. By trying to get a guy to open up, you may hear things that you don’t want to hear, e.g., how he’s treated girls in the past. You set boundaries by letting him know it’s not acceptable or that you wouldn’t accept it but in a way which avoids any judgmental tones. I personally respect when a guy is very raw with me in terms of being honest, I may not appreciate the content of what he is telling me but I respect that he can be raw with me. I’d rather he be real with me than act, acting is not attractive.

I’m starting to believe that some girls have adopted a mentality, whereby, they begin having sex with a guy as they like him and want to be with him, they somehow convince themselves that the more they have sex the closer they get to the reality of the guy falling for them. NO!

All in all, guys do not embrace friendship from females, especially females who they feel they have a future with whether romantically or sexually, so that reason alone it is never going to be the kind of friendship you could have with your own friends but the process of getting to know them, both in and out, should remain the same. Guys can sense when you are not holding back, do not expect honesty if you are not willing to give it, the same way you expect him to open up you also have to do the same. Lay all your cards on the table so that there is no confusion as to what you both want out of the situation.

Wow didn’t expect to write this much, thank you for reading guys and dolls, I hope it won’t be too long before I give you another post to think and debate.

Ms Lissa

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