My own company baby

I need to learn to enjoy my own company, how to make myself happy. I thought I knew how to do both, thought I possessed the skills and even if I don’t specifically use them I knew how to. I now know that that is not the case. I’ve gone through my years using temporary fixes such as; alcohol, smoking, partying, the opposite sex, etc. You may read what I have just written in confusion, baffled by my thought process at such a young age. Is this not what young people are meant to be doing? Who says that doing those things mean that you are unable to keep your own company or make yourself happy?

Yes YOLO/YODO whatever you choose to live by, I’m 22 I still feel like a child and I know that this is the best time to get everything out of my system because sooner rather than later things will have to get serious in terms of life, my career, etc. I don’t object to the fun I’ve been having, or the extent of the fun, but more of the feeling of needing to do all of those things when unhappy. If you know me, you’ll know it is very rare to see me without a hint of mirth on my face, I’m known for bringing good vibes, except those around me at the time are unaware that most of the time I’m not really happy, it’s just a temporary fix to escape the dark pit of nothingness that has been strangling and choking me until I fall into a deep sleep. I start depending on intoxication or being in an environment where others are intoxicated, I could have stayed at home and read a book, I could have studied, but trying to read a book when I’m that low is impossible. I’d rather do something destructive than constructive. Why?

This point is less serious, more humorous, but I still think the principle is an important one. Girls, we’re not all the same, I know females who baffle me due to my misunderstanding of the pride they take in themselves. I hated seeing people take three hours to get ready to go to the corner shop, immediately my reaction would always be “who are you trying to impress?” I get it now, it’s not about who sees you, it’s about you seeing yourself. I’m not a person who wears make up so I wouldn’t then become an everyday wearer but I’ve realised I don’t actually take care of myself. My nails, my hair, my hair loss regimes, my pum pum servicing & MOT (that hot wax), I don’t keep up with these activities regularly. You can tell who the girls that are similar to me are by asking one question. Are your legs hairy? If so I assume they are like me, they don’t shave unless they deem it absolutely necessary, they have to wear a skirt, dress or they are getting lucky that night. Then there’s the other type of girl who always keeps her legs hair free and does it just because it makes her feel good not because she has too. I’m tired of having to wear long sleeves, jeans and granny knickers because I don’t feel like impressing someone. What about impressing myself?

My last point on this short but infuriating subject is the emphasis on men and the part they play. I’ve noticed that my pride gets in the way of my own happiness, I’ve always believed I am not easily gassed by the opposite sex but at the same time I am offended if someone who I felt was intensely into me suddenly lost all interest. I don’t even necessarily have to be into that person. Why should I care? Do I need my ego stroked? I should not give a fuck whether someone likes me or not as long as I like myself and am happy with myself. Over the years, when boredom strikes, if I cannot find something to do I’ve resorted to the company of the opposite sex. It’s a temporary fulfilment, it doesn’t fill the void, as soon as you leave their company you are back to square one. Feeling wanted is not enough when you don’t even want yourself (I mean in terms of company you dirty minded tricks).

This is all I can give for tonight, this is procrastination at its worst. I have things to do. Thank you for reading and visiting my blog, it’s much appreciated.

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