Hard being single

I want to be single for at least 2 years she said. I’ve just come out of a serious 4 year relationship and need to find myself she said. Being in a relationship so long caused me to lose my identity, I want to meet Melissa again she said.

Who knew being single would be so hard. I’m not one of those people who feels that I need a relationship to feel some sort of purpose in my life, not one of them. I’m not one of those people that is scared of being on my own, not one of them. I’m not one of those people who believes that I can only find happiness in a relationship, not one of them. Yet it is still hard to stay single. Not due to wanting to be in a relationship, that is the furthest from what I intended for myself before the 2 year limit is up. But the fear of being so closed that I could let the opportunity pass me by.

This comes after a year and 10 months. I have had many people read my blog and assume that I hate men due to the nature of my posts. I love my father, is he not a man. I love my brothers, are they not men. I love my grandfathers, I thought they were men also. You have to understand that I only go by experiences, whether 1st or 2nd hand they are all experiences. I don’t mean to sound as though I don’t like men because that is far from the truth. It took me a while to realise but the experiences I had heard about and witnessed had caused me to become cold and I began freezing guys out, not entertaining anything as I assumed it would only end badly plus I just wasn’t interested. I was seeking a stress free life. Even the good men will tell u that they know a guy or are even guilty of bad behaviour in the past themselves.

The problem is I overthink. No seriously, I go into overdrive. My mind is filled with imaginary scenarios and outcomes which come to play when I am alone and stationary. There was a point that a guy could say you’re beautiful in passing and I’d have to figure out what he meant by it, was he taking the piss, was it part of a larger plan to get me in bed, how many girls has he said that too today. In fact if I’m real with you all, today I’m still there. SKEPTICAL. That’s me. This is a defence mechanism, it enables my heart to stay cold, I can’t allow anyone and anybody to make me melt even in just the slightest. Basically compliments became ploys to get in my knickers.

This method worked, convincing myself that every guy that was interested in me was a bad seed. It allowed me to focus on me, no distractions. The embarrassing part is I expected that if anyone would understand me it would be my fellow females but some of those close to me fell that I’m too harsh and was cutting myself off from love (yuck), not allowing myself to experience it 😒. I was encouraged to begin dating, that started off great but due to my reluctance to believe that the perfect guy I had met was perfect I found out that it was in fact too good to be true, just my luck no? Back to square one where all men, who want to be involved with me, are bastards, I tried to give someone the chance and they fucked up.

Now I’m sitting here writing this because I believe my mentality has changed. It’s not going to be easy allowing myself to be vulnerable but someone once told me that if you never allow yourself to be vulnerable you will never find love. When I say it’s hard being single I’m not referring to my wanting a man, or love but what it does to me as a person. The longer I stay single the more joy I find in being myself which is both a blessing and a curse. The more I find it easier to block men, the more I convince myself that the majority are bad in order to maintain my strength to stay single. The more I lose my sense of vulnerability. The more people look at me funny, the more guys ask “but how can a girl that looks like you be single?” I’m over here realising how out of the ordinary it is to be single for a long period of time without people thinking there’s something wrong with you.

I’m not seeking a relationship but I never want to be viewed as that cold hearted man hater who is way too into feminism and on the verge of becoming a lesbian. That isn’t who I am. When I’ve finished finding myself I’ll let you know who I am.


8 thoughts on “Hard being single

  1. Charlae says:

    Wow Melissa it’s like we share the same heart and mindset.. sometimes after something that destorted out mindset happens we need to take time out.. many will judge and misunderstand. I’m glad you managed to do you till an extent.. many friends don’t understand many believe that life is nothing without a man but when you realise that you can love yourself better than any being you understand that you to have a man is not a need it’s a want to share your life experiences with another. So I wish you the best for the future and don’t be afraid to let go and don’t be afraid to be hurt I say this because it’s not only men who can hurt you but anyone who’s in your heart xx


    • mslissa23 says:

      I love this, thank you so much for sharing. I think that’s what others need to grasp, the idea of loving yourself before you can truly love another. Being happy within yourself before you can make another happy. Thank you again I’m trying to conquer that fear x


  2. Good Kid, Maad City says:

    Hi Melissa and the other females that have responded,

    I can (as a man) at the very least applaud you for detail in the blog. That isn’t me making a mockery of your experiences, but I felt that it was imperative to respond to this and provide further insight… if I may?

    We often find ourselves questioning our rational (for all good intent and purposes) to I guess understand, justify or dismiss a feeling or directive. Being in a 4 year relationship, especially at your “life age” is certainly commendable. Society has already turned much of the younger generation into people of ‘convenience’ that make decision based on a perception created by others and no tthemselves. Clearly you are a conscious enough woman to articulately collate your thoughts and feelings in to this expressive post, hence my initial applause.

    What slightly concerns me is (and let me cite this correctly) “you being in a relationship caused you to lose you’re identity”… What? *scratches the top of his head*. That isn’t to belittle your own observations as the saying goes “everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but not their own fact” but losing ones identity is a very strong statement, especially at your age and experience in love. It’s not as though you’ve been through some tremendous physical and psychological abuse that has manifested itself into the deepest recesses of your soul, heart and mind that you are unable to face life. Talk to those that have experienced beatings and torture and even rape… Then my response to your words would have definitely rang a different tone.

    Fact is you are a woman… Women have ALL of the power!! Yeap… I said it! Women have ALL of the power!! The thing is (generally and not specifically speaking) women sell themselves short in relationships. Trying to compete with a man, what’s that ‘independent women’ destiny’s child rhetoric that every woman took literally as ‘compete’, instead of ‘regain’ control of YOUR power.

    And what is woman’s power, what is this energy that will have men succumb to my need?? Well it’s very simple… It’s you.. Your body… All of it from you hair follicles to your toe nails (thank Jill Scott), your mind, your soul, your empathy, your drive, your devotion, your charisma, your sweetness and beauty. Men love strong women… Women who are women but can control and manage her man through her power, making the man want to be better for his woman just because of who she is is what defines real women (in my opinion).

    You have never lost your identity because it has never been taken from you. You are a young, conscious, beautiful woman in every essence of the word; who has been in a relationship/mini marriage and has grown. That’s it, you’re maturing at a faster rate then any man at your age or 5 years ahead of you in life span because you are a woman. If you lost your identity in your relationship, then it was done willingly and therefore you over compromised and you didn’t understand yourself properly… But now you do hence why you question it.

    Life’s true love principle is: Understanding yourself to aid the progression of others. In everything we do, from our work, to our love life, our sport, passion for the gym and food, if we understand it fully we can progress in it and help others to do the same.

    That is why women and men are natural in their synergy because one is logical and the other is emotive. Being out of the love game for two years shouldn’t make you question yourself or allow others to question you. It’s like riding a bike. If you don’t do it for ages, it feels weird. But by the time you pedal for 10 mins the feeling just comes back to you.

    Men are men and women are women… Men will do dumb shit so will women. Realise though that if you regulate your powers properly, you’ll sift the diamond from the coal. Have more faith in we what your doing, because the right man will appreciate you more because of it…

    There’s nothing wrong with taking your time, but don’t spend too long allowing that element of the world pass you by as it seem harder and harder to get back into!

    Liked by 1 person

    • mslissa23 says:

      I love this.. I don’t feel as though you’ve mocked us females in anyway shape or form and I totally agree in relation to my losing my identity. I was young and had not yet figured out who I was, I still believe I am in the process. Being in such a serious relationship when I had not gripped who I was meant that I began following the idea of who I thought I should be in the relationship, the perfect woman for him and not the perfect woman (baring in mind perfection doesn’t exist). It was done, as you said, willingly. That is not to say that I believe this is how I will feel if I entered another relationship. It is down to a matter of opinion and I can only tell you how I felt.

      I thank you for your comment and the honesty. I thoroughly enjoyed it and I will take some points away from it. It’s nice to hear a males take on any topic I write about. Thank you again.


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