I want to be single for at least 2 years she said. I’ve just come out of a serious 4 year relationship and need to find myself she said. Being in a relationship so long caused me to lose my identity, I want to meet Melissa again she said.
Who knew being single would be so hard. I’m not one of those people who feels that I need a relationship to feel some sort of purpose in my life, not one of them. I’m not one of those people that is scared of being on my own, not one of them. I’m not one of those people who believes that I can only find happiness in a relationship, not one of them. Yet it is still hard to stay single. Not due to wanting to be in a relationship, that is the furthest from what I intended for myself before the 2 year limit is up. But the fear of being so closed that I could let the opportunity pass me by.
This comes after a year and 10 months. I have had many people read my blog and assume that I hate men due to the nature of my posts. I love my father, is he not a man. I love my brothers, are they not men. I love my grandfathers, I thought they were men also. You have to understand that I only go by experiences, whether 1st or 2nd hand they are all experiences. I don’t mean to sound as though I don’t like men because that is far from the truth. It took me a while to realise but the experiences I had heard about and witnessed had caused me to become cold and I began freezing guys out, not entertaining anything as I assumed it would only end badly plus I just wasn’t interested. I was seeking a stress free life. Even the good men will tell u that they know a guy or are even guilty of bad behaviour in the past themselves.
The problem is I overthink. No seriously, I go into overdrive. My mind is filled with imaginary scenarios and outcomes which come to play when I am alone and stationary. There was a point that a guy could say you’re beautiful in passing and I’d have to figure out what he meant by it, was he taking the piss, was it part of a larger plan to get me in bed, how many girls has he said that too today. In fact if I’m real with you all, today I’m still there. SKEPTICAL. That’s me. This is a defence mechanism, it enables my heart to stay cold, I can’t allow anyone and anybody to make me melt even in just the slightest. Basically compliments became ploys to get in my knickers.
This method worked, convincing myself that every guy that was interested in me was a bad seed. It allowed me to focus on me, no distractions. The embarrassing part is I expected that if anyone would understand me it would be my fellow females but some of those close to me fell that I’m too harsh and was cutting myself off from love (yuck), not allowing myself to experience it 😒. I was encouraged to begin dating, that started off great but due to my reluctance to believe that the perfect guy I had met was perfect I found out that it was in fact too good to be true, just my luck no? Back to square one where all men, who want to be involved with me, are bastards, I tried to give someone the chance and they fucked up.
Now I’m sitting here writing this because I believe my mentality has changed. It’s not going to be easy allowing myself to be vulnerable but someone once told me that if you never allow yourself to be vulnerable you will never find love. When I say it’s hard being single I’m not referring to my wanting a man, or love but what it does to me as a person. The longer I stay single the more joy I find in being myself which is both a blessing and a curse. The more I find it easier to block men, the more I convince myself that the majority are bad in order to maintain my strength to stay single. The more I lose my sense of vulnerability. The more people look at me funny, the more guys ask “but how can a girl that looks like you be single?” I’m over here realising how out of the ordinary it is to be single for a long period of time without people thinking there’s something wrong with you.
I’m not seeking a relationship but I never want to be viewed as that cold hearted man hater who is way too into feminism and on the verge of becoming a lesbian. That isn’t who I am. When I’ve finished finding myself I’ll let you know who I am.