It’s clear to see that I choose to begin relationships with people who I know are unable to give me their all. It’s a defence mechanism, if they are unable to give me their all I will never have to give mine. They will never be able to enter my circle, they can dance around the outside though.
When speaking on relationships I’m referring to friendship and courtship. I’ve been told, in the past, that I have a commitment problem, I shy away from anything heavy. I keep it light so that when I need to back up and leave I do so with featherweight luggage. To an extent I see why it would appear to be a commitment phobia, in fact, I, myself, wonder whether it is fear that has instilled this behaviour in me.
Trust is a major factor. Personally, I believe the first three months of getting to know someone is both crucial and pointless. How can it be both? The first three months is about portrayal, we all want to create the best impression. This leads to a lot of people adapting their behaviour, moulding into the person they want to be, or in a lot of cases, lying about who they are. Hence my thoughts on the process being pointless, there is no way of telling whether you are getting a true portrayal of the person in question or not. However, this beginning process is crucial as actions speak louder than words and you can learn a mass just from observing someone’s behaviour. Back to what I was saying, due to my opinion on the getting to know people process I keep my barriers all the way up to avoid the liars and disloyal people.
Love. Yes love. I already have friends and family who I love until it hurts sometimes. These are the people I’m stuck with, you all know who you are, those who I would lay my life down for. I don’t know if I want to be that passionate about any newcomers. Those who are already in my heart have grown with me, been through thick and thin with me, have shown me that the love is reciprocated. To let strangers in to my circle would feel as though I am weakening it. It is solid right now, to let someone, who I’m unsure about, in would be a detriment almost.
Fear. To be honest this relates to the paragraphs above. I’m afraid to love, I’m afraid to trust. I fear the person who can or will break down my barriers because I know not of their intentions as of yet.
Intelligence. Lol I just wanted to make myself sound smart. On a serious note, they say that ignorance is bliss which I whole heartedly agree with. Those who host hardly any brain cells are more happier as they are oblivious to a lot of negativity, they are unaware so they live blissfully. I wasn’t blessed with that lack of intelligence that the ignorant must boast about. I overthink. I observe everything in order to better my understanding of the world which is both a blessing and a curse. I can sometimes become overzealous and imagine the worst that could happen in the future if I was to let this person in.
Intensity. I can’t handle. Do not place pressure on me or I will run. Not necessarily because I don’t like the person in question but I don’t like feeling as though I have to act on something because someone is trying to hurry me into it. I like to work through things in my own time, if I put you at arms length I expect you to stay there until I say otherwise. It’s rude to then try and force yourself past that point, that’s just my opinion. Intensity throws me out of my comfort zone and I don’t do well out of my comfort zone. I have been known to ditch people because of the pressure they’ve applied on me.
So I’ve decided to try and change my attitude towards those that are new in my life and those that may enter my life in future. I no longer want to worry or stress about future relationships. I want to live for the moment, if I enjoy that persons company right now in this moment in time, why not continue to do so with no second thoughts. If I become close with someone there’s a reason so why not embrace rather than push away.
Happy new year all. Thank you for reading my blog especially those that have been with me since the blog started. I appreciate the support, it’s the only thing that made this all worth while. I hope to keep you all entertained in 2015 & hopefully get some projects up & rolling for you all.